Pages from the past

“Coming Out” is a dreaded word in every gay’s dictionary. Whenever we meet someone from our community we ask “Are you out to your parents?” Articles are written in newspapers. Magazines devote pages to coming out issues! It definitely is a big deal for us.
 
I always believed, and still believe that we don’t need to “come out”. Why do we need to scream to the world about our preferences? Does a guy having the hots for a girl need to do so? Why us? In the same breath I thought why not? Why should my friends think I love girls when I don’t? Why would my Ma spend harrowing times searching for a bride for me? Isn’t it imperative that everyone should know the “truth” about me?
 
This dilemma remained with me for the first two decades of my life. I was confused, scared and puzzled. One half of me wanted to scream from the roof top about my sexuality, the other stopped me due to social apprehensions.
Cut to 2007. It was February. We were having an adda. Or was it truth or dare? We were all talking about our love lives; I had lied to everyone that day about having a crush on a school mate who belonged to the fairer sex. That day when I came back home, I was ridden by guilt! I felt I committed a crime. I decided I would one day “come out” to these people. And I would make sure they would not have problems with my preferences.
 
March 7 2007: I had gone to Bhamuu’s home to study together for our upcoming examinations at college. It was quite natural. I visited his house very often, he was the one with whom I spent most of my waking hours chatting or hogging or just “sharing the silence”. On countless occasions before I had tried to talk to him about my sexuality. But that fear of losing a friend in him kept me away from doing that task. I don’t know what gave me the strength that day; I confessed my love for him “as a matter of fact”ly while studying. He was shocked, that was obvious. But he did not let that ruin our friendship. Bham (and in due course of time others) never had any issue with my sexuality. It seems I had underestimated my friends. And I am proud of them.
 
I do not think post coming out anyone ever scorned me or ridiculed me for my choices. Rather we always had our own “personal” jokes about my liking for menJ. Those are and will always be sweet memories for me.
 
People suspected my gaiety though. My extreme intimacy with Bham, my fathomless sympathies for victims of homophobic violence, my “non participation” in discussion about girls made my friends suspicious of ”foul play”. Even after coming out to them, some were confused about me. On one hand they had Agnivo – the enthusiastic  Physiopal who was always there to help and on the other they had Agnivo – self proclaimed homosexual. Like Sumitash wrote in my autograph diary: “I stood there as a doubting dimwit”. Sayan and Sumitash had their reasons to be hesitant. I never hid my likeness for them :-) But again in Sumitash’s words: “repeated assurances from many brought the wit back to my head and drove away all clouds of doubt”.
 
May 25 2007: Another memorable day in my life.Sad day indeed. Bham and me went into a period of “no communication”.From 10 hours or so a day on phone,to not even a second of hi/hello.I know it pained him too,but he did not commute back!Mistake was mine.i accepted it.It took Madhurima and 2 months for us start talking again.And it all started off with a simple issue!i had called Bham 19 times on his phone which he did not receive(he was enjoying his afternoon siesta).The 20th time he received the call and within 2-3 seconds put it on hold because someone else had called up.I was super angry!Felt very disgusted and told Bham i wont talk to him ever.But i didn’t expect him to follow suit!I knew my anger would cool down and i will be back to normal in 2 hours….the 2 hours stretched to 2 months. But hey look….that incident made me more responsible.It changed me as a person and Bham and me are still best of friends.
 
People say coming out is a big deal. It has many stages: Coming out to parents and relatives, coming out to friends, coming out to the world out there. According to this categorization I guess I qualify for the second one. I am not sure when I will come out to my parents and my family. Definitely I will. Someday I have to. But till then I do not mind keeping this little secret from them. As for the last part, my blogs, tweets and articles in Gaylaxy are enough for any intelligent man to guess that I am Gay. I do not want to go from pillar to post to tell them about my gaiety!

About Agnivo Niyogi

Typical Aantel, reader, blogger, news addict, opinionated. Digital media enthusiast. Didi fanboi. Joy Bangla!

Posted on May 25, 2010, in Personal Musings, Social Issues and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.

  1. memoirs of an unquiet mind

    i felt a pain deep within as i read the blog post… a power so strange compelled mee to read it thrice…we are blessed in so many ways yet we crib in life for more…and in the process we forget to notice the small little things of life that bring us immense happiness…

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  2. really touched :)))) r besi kichu bolbona @sumanadi

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  3. some things in life profoundly strike a chord so deep within that trying to express that emotion in the constraints of words seems impossible. i would just like to say that being a regular follower of ur blogs, my respect grows manifolds with this one.and in so many powerful ways it questions and silences those intentions that make sexual orientations as lewd targets.

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  4. Bedit Banerjee

    'Coming out' is a BIG deal in India.Glad u had the guts. Anyways, nice article.Great going, dude.

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  5. Thank youzzzz to both of you @sanjukta and bedit :)))))

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  6. Weird and the Bold

    The feelings expressed is so heart rendering…really nice….

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  7. Aditya Nandode

    The 3 words seem to be most difficult to utter! again.

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  8. @aditya errr…..come again???which three words re?

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  9. Again u win my heart bhai… Great job n hugs bhai… touching… i can't say more…

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  10. Some one you might know

    It is a fine balance we strike between our friendships and our relationships these days, preference notwithstanding. Sure did learn more than a few things reading this, when I say more than a few, of course I mean a lot, and no it is nothing personal, and no it is nothing heart rending, as much as it is the Truth. I recently learnt a quote by Elvis Presley by heart, "Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away." Also Milan Kundera told me through a novel of his, Living in truth is living in the unbearable lightness of "BEING". Yes, I read them, but reading this I know what they meant.Coming out, or staying put aside, the truth is the truth right? You did great by writing this down for us to read, and take away our own truths from it. Thank You. That is a lot less than what this deserves, but thank you will have to suffice.

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  11. Aditya Kumar Nayak

    Thanks a lot for sharing the the link. It really is very daring of you to have come out. I have a few friends who also 'came out' very early in their lives and it has been nothing short of a nightmare for them. I am glad that your friends have been understanding.

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  12. Hey bro!U neva need to come out….itz about, about your life….no one….whosoever he/she's to decide watz rite/wrong for anybody!On lighter side….as I said earlier,,,I too dont have any prob, unless u've a crush on me too! ;D Lol!Jus last one more thing…..Bravo! :))

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  13. lost_scotoma

    Three words for you…. Proud of you! We can go with the argument that its your personal life and you don’t need to “come out” and blah blah blah. But how liberal are the so-called liberal when they think its “liberal” to assume that all people around them are hetero! Best wishes as always and keep writing bro!

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  14. Subham Dasgupta

    Aagan…even u know from 2-3 incidents that in a few cases, we did have inhibitions about u in certain cases(eg sleeping together)…but in generality, we(at least I) never let this come in way of our interaction..u see, ur orientation is not this toxic drug that u have injected into urself..u are as normal was a gay as a black skinner in a white skinned neighbourhood…maybe a rarity in both cases, maybe out of the way in the community, but never different when it comes to individuality. I love the friendship we share and will continue loving it forever. nothing more, nothing less. The only sad thing about ur orientation is u wont host any ceremonial marriage, where il eat to my stomach's brim🙂

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  15. Hmmm……lataguri……i was really pained!!! but i took it in my stride!ahem….that white black comment was very misplaced and might make others feel you have an inherent bias!!!jakge i know that is not the case!ye…..kalke linz er sathe discuss hochilo about a good writer!!! u seem to follow her footsteps!

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  16. Subham Dasgupta

    biased??? i didnt mean anything racial , on the record. on the contrary, i meant je there are people who look at them from a different, sometimes loathing point of view…but at the end of the day, what matters, is not what u are at skin or what ur orientation is…but what ur heart speaks. and anyways most of my closest friends are not fair. that includes u.

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  17. madscribbler

    Why do we need to scream to the world about our preferences?Sure I am very glad you have "come out" Appreciate that. Some years ago one friend from Yahoo said: God has created me like this and I am happy and have no guilt. From him I learn t that as long as one does not hurt others physically or with words one can enjoy his/her preferences. And friend I could read this in mobile as it comes first in the google reader any thing…Aaagon…enjoy.

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  18. Wont Say Much On your Blog, No Point in getting into details of it. As U mentioned no need to go from Pillars to Posts.Jus One Sentence : Proud To Be Ur Fren. Sexual Orientation Is Matter Of Personal Choice and No One Has Right To Feel Bad About It. Remind U All.

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  19. I see how that'd be a problem. It still has an ick factor in the society. When a straight person contemplates the concept of homosexuality, he tends to get an overactive imagination and starts wondering how it'd be to have sex with someone of the same sex. The reactions ofcourse are: yuck! ew!! bugger! and then how could anyone do it?! Then comes stereotypes: Gay people are better at fashion, gay people are emotional, gay people have smaller ahem!Well, the world would be a better place if they realised that is exactly what a gay person feels about homosexuality.I had a friend, who had a gay friend. So I hung out with the guy, unaware of his sexuality. Later my friend told me that the guy was gay. I won't say I was natural about it. I was freaked out. because I made the same mistake, I imagined being gay, when I wasn't. So there were yucks, ewws and how could he do its.but I saw his point. Its not like Nature gave him a choice. Its just who you are. If gay people ever had a choice and chose to be so, the world could possibly someday say they chose the wrong path. Since Nature isn't high on choices, I guess there's no point in arguing the morals of homosexuality. Its just like men and women. Some people like men, other's like women. It doesn't necessarily have to do with gender. but then straight people have trouble seeing. Also coming out to your parents can be a problem. I bet if you did, they'd just say: "Nice try, if you want to go to goa, yo just have to say" (Remember the virgin mobile Ad)you are one of the more courageous guys. Glad you had the guts

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  20. Subham Dasgupta

    gay people have smaller ahem? LOL!!!

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  21. @BHAM ufffffffffff ota misconception!

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  22. 🙂 whenever homosexuality comes up as a discussion topic.. i never fail to brightly mention that I have a gay friend and that it was never a big deal for us…but remember I scolded you for becoming too footloose in your early days of coming out….I never felt that heterosexuals and homosexuals share different social rules so was acting like a strict elder in that wild phase of yours….now after all the turmoil and misunderstandings has subsided long back, it feels good to read again about those days….n yes almost all the gay trivia I know is from my incessant questioning to you😛 well…honestly im so glad that our group is open minded and having you in it has been it even more so🙂 ok taking a break from my reminiscing, I just have to say that the article was heartwarming and inspiring. All the best for everything! heres an article i came across which you may like : http://www.insightiitb.org/2011/gayiitb-out-and-about/

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  23. Read this post again…and while reading this, I wasnt thinking about your coming out and all that..rather the fact that we’v been friends for 10 yrs now! All of us have been through thicks and thins of life in these 10 years and yet we are here, still the closest of friends in spite of living thousands of miles apart! Long live, Physiopals! And yes, Happy March 7!!!

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  1. Pingback: 30 Days Blogging Challenge: Day 27 – What is in my closet | Aaganz World

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