Delhi not Kolkata has always been my city of dreams. I don’t know why. But when lady luck wanted me to study in Kolkata,in 2005, i could not refute. And so i landed in this city, which has become home for me now. In my previous posts i shared with you all my journey of life in this city in the last five years. I talked about my friends and food. Two pillars of my existence. What i did not talk about till now was my love life. Yes. Kolkata gave me my first love. A reason i love this city so much,
First love has been romanticized since the creation of humanity. That first drop of rain, the bookmarked poem in the book, countless chat sessions with the mirror. The red roses in the garden look so beautiful. The stars seem to shine brighter. Even the dreams seem seem to be centered around one person. That special person. The best feeling on earth. Love. First love. And the best part is you never realize when love has crept into your life.
Love happened in my life too. Not any crush or infatuation. This felt special. The friendship was special. Love added to the glamour. There was no running around the bushes, no hand holding while cruising the city, no gift exchange, no Valentine’s day, no late night phone chat. There was just a feeling of completeness i never felt in my life! Just like the Durga idol is not complete without the earth from a red light area, just like the sky is not complete without clouds, just like rain is not complete without the “khichdi”. No, i did not want to kiss him, i did not want to sleep with him. I just felt assured when i was with him.
The feeling of love comes with its own price. Side effects of the drug called love started showing themselves. The devil had dethroned reasoning and irrationality had taken over. Sweet days didn’t last long but sweet memories did. One sided love is a curse. And when you know that the other person knows that you love him but he cannot love you back the way you want him to,
you can even try killing yourself you have nothing else to do but wipe your tears.
Love. Comes in various forms. Not just my first love. I developed a special relationship with someone else during my post graduation. That has no name! Can it be love? Why not? I love him. I do. Can i spend the rest of my life with him? I don’t know. Can he spend the rest of his life with me? He does not know. Do we care for each other? Yes we do. I do not want to lose him. Through most of my darkest hours, he has been showing me the way through the tunnel with his torch. Then why can we not be one? Sigh. I do not know.
And now when i am about to wind up my life in this city, why does love want to make a come back in my life? Taking me back to my old days. That same old feeling? Old wine in a new bottle?
I watched the rain drop from the leaf
On the ground below…
I opened the book
And found that decomposing rose petal
I held it against the sun